Scientists have uncovered a disturbing link between beard mites and vaping and say vapers beards are the perfect breeding ground for biblical like infestations.

A study by researchers from the Blázen Dubna university in Ostrava studied 100 bearded vapers and say the results are shocking.

beard mites in vape beards
Are horny microscopic mites holding a sex orgy in your beard right now ?

Beard mites have the Latin name Demodex folliculorum and were virtually wiped out until vaping took hold.

Disturbingly, women aren’t immune either says lead researcher Professor Zert Pošta, as even those fine downy hairs can attract the microscopic mites in their millions.


The tests were carried out on vapers with big beards – fancy beards and bum-fluff using specially designed microbe combs with ultra-violet lights.

Results showed those with denser beards were obviously most infected and in some cases the beard mite infestation had spread to other parts of the body – especially if the test subjects were prone to ‘touching themselves inappropriately‘…

Professor Pošta said:

Of the 100 bearded vapers we studied – including a couple of women, we found 95% beard mite infestation in 86.009% of men and 11.0777% of women.

We had to disinfect the whole laboratory to stop the march of the mites which was difficult given they are so tiny.

At times we had to resort to stamping in the hope we’d squashed a few.

As to why vapers beards are more prone to the smaller than a pin point pests?

It’s Probably Like Porn Hub For Pests In Your Beard!

According to Professor Pošta it’s down to the e-liquids!

He said:

E-liquids are extremely sweet and sticky and the tiny globules in the vapour covers the beard.

The mites have a feeding frenzy which in turn gets them in the mood to reproduce.

Not only that – the enzymes seem to be giving off mite mating pheromones driving them wild with a desire to copulate.

Let’s put it this way, under the powerful microscopes we use we could see them shagging like their lives depended on it – which of course it does.

Viewing them at it through our microscopes really was like porn hub for pests!

Professor Pošta and his team say they are particularly worried about many more vapers growing beards during the current coronavirus lock down:

With all this time on their hands some vapers will try to emulate their vape God reviewer idols and grow a beard.

Our research shows that even some lady vapers wish they could grow a full face of hair to impress vape reviewers with over 10k subs.

Spring is the time the mites usually engage in their version of Tinder, so we’re expecting an explosion of mating mites and probably a global infestation of vape beards.

So, apart from shaving off the much loved vape beards, is there anything vapers can do to rid themselves of these sex mad mites?

How To Get Rid Of Vapers Beard Mites

The team of researchers spent more than 12 months looking at the ‘cure’.

And the results are surprising.

mite beard infestation april fool
Fancy vape beards host to copulating crazed mite sex parties [not to scale]

Professor Pošta said:

There’s no need to shave them off – not even the hirsute ladies out there.

And in these lock down times don’t go running to the chemist either.

Instead through detailed trials we have found everyday products and food stuff helps.

These include rubbing banana or potato peelings over your beard twice per day.

This gave us 95% clear up rates.

Other things to rub over your beard includes toothpaste – used teabags and ketchup.

Using all three of the above in combination will quicken the mite massacre apparently.

For best results the researchers say you must leave whatever you’re using on the beard for at least one hour.

Bloody hell! As if we haven’t got enough to worry about in these unprecedented times – what next???

So – do you have a novel way of removing beard mites apart from shaving?

If so the team of researchers are offering incentives if they work.

Leave yours in the comments below.


I have simpler vape tastes these days - I never leave home without a Caliburn G, a Vaporesso Luxe 40 or Innokin EQ FLTR and a CBD vape pen or bottle of CBD drops in my rucksack...or indeed an Aspire Nautilus Prime X in my pocket... At home I'll be using various mods topped with the GeekVape Zeus X RTA or the Signature Mods Mono SQ topped with the Augvape BTFC RDA... I'm a former journalist and now a writer and sometimes author... I'm ex Army - adore dogs and never happier than hiking over the hills or with a good book on a beach.



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